Lechler's punt on the Texans and the Raiders silver lining

The NFL's best punter, Shane Lechler, has signed with the Houston Texans after 13 seasons with the Oakland Raiders, and fans in the Bay Area are surely kicking themselves.

Oakland won't be short of people swinging their boots, if that's what you were thinking.

Lechler signed a three-year $5.5 million deal with the Texans, significantly lower than what the late Al Davis was willing to pay him---a record punting fee of $16 million for four years back in 2008. But economies have since collapsed, Twinkies have faced extinction, and Justin Timberlake does everything now except run the Vatican. Times have changed.

Despite the fact he's only 36, and plans to play 20 seasons in all (which would mean seven more), the Raiders are clearly not seeing Lechler in the same light. Assuming they are wearing their eye patches over the correct eye, it may be because the punter's net yards were slightly down last season.

Net yards seem very important to NFL teams, even though the punter has no real control over that statistic---not unless he's sprinting down field after scratching his nose with the toe of his cleat, and wrestling the punt returner into the grass himself. I'm not sure that even Usain Bolt could achieve such a feat, though wouldn't be surprised if a pro football team similarly forked out $16 million for the service.

Lechler netted 39 yards per punt last season, lower than his career average of about 41. This type of discrepancy causes more panic in pro football clubhouses than warm Gatorade. But he has booted 47 yards per punt over his career, not including the adjustment of returns or penalties. This should count for, well, everything, because it relates to the actual distance of his kicks.

Lechler has also admitted that he rushed back from a knee injury last season, and that it took him a month to be back on his game. "During the second half of the season, I felt like I was back to my old self," he told reporters in Houston recently.

Of course, there are many other aspects that factor into punting, and the associated squad that charges towards the man returning, such as the amount of time the ball hangs in the air. Lechler has been consistent on all of these fronts for many years, which is why so many people regard him as the best punter ever. You only need to scan his career stats to realize this. For example, Lechler kicked for 4,503 yards for an average of 47 yards per punt in 2003. His net average per punt that season was just 37 yards. That particular campaign, the Raiders won just four games, and were obliterated on the road (0-8). Not surprisingly then, returners tallied 699 yards on Lechler's 2003 punt total.

Last season, Lechler punted for 3,826 yards all up, with returners only logging 450 yards. So while he punted for fewer yards, they were likely more effective kicks with a better net average per punt than during the monster year, nine seasons earlier. So, I'm not certain I see the Raiders logic here in letting Lechler go, because up or down, he's been relatively consistent.

We do know that the Raiders picked up Marquette King in last draft, who supposedly has more leg than Heidi Klum. For Fort Valley State University in 2011, King led his team's conference in punting with a 43 yards per punt average, and 16 of them were for 50 yards or more. And due to a towering 80-yarder once, his legend has preceded his NFL career.

So Oakland and its fan base are no doubt giddy at the prospect of King. But Lechler's shoes are mighty ones to fill, especially before an intimidating audience of pirates, ghouls and skeleton bikers.

Good luck, kid.

Tebow could jet down to Florida

Tim Tebow might actually be a better quarterback option for the New York Jets than Mark Sanchez. He's bigger, is a more powerful runner, and at this stage, may actually be more accurate.

But the Jets probably have other plans, like signing a sixth QB, selling their best player, Darrelle Revis, and generally alienating their fan base. Just another offseason in New York.

This all leaves Tebow---if the Jets aren't clever enough to devise some running packages for him---in limbo. The former Florida Gator will then seek another path to the NFL stardom, and as it turns out, the Arena Football League may have a timely opportunity.

Orlando Predators owner Brett Bouchy told the Orlando Sentinel, in no uncertain terms, that his club is in the hunt for a piece of Tebow magic. That's right---mass marketing magic.

"Tim would certainly want to first exhaust his opportunities in the NFL, but we'd love to have him," Bouchy told the Sentinel. "I think he would definitely improve as a quarterback in our league.

"Kurt Warner told me once that when he got back to the NFL after playing in the Arena League, the NFL game was like slow motion. Everything in the Arena League is just so much faster and quicker and predicated on accuracy. Whenever Tim is willing, we have a contract waiting for him to sign."

You have to admire Bouchy's ingenuity, but he does realise Arena football isn't soccer right? Passing with your arms is still required.

And while Kurt Warner was a great NFL passer, I think we can all agree that he saw the game in slow motion because he was in fact playing in slow motion. 

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Jake Long goes incognito on Halloween

Dolphins left guard Richie Incognito has started a Twitter campaign to keep left tackle Jake Long in Miami. Long's eye has been wondering, you see, and Incognito is hoping a more cognito approach will change his buddy's mind.

Incognito began his digital mission following Long's visit to the Rams and has been at it the last two days. One of his best came at 8.45pm on Saturday night, when he Tweeted something sweet from the Incognito family scrapbook:

Who else will dress up with u on Halloween jake? #nobody #LEFTGUARDLOVE #brotherlylovepic.twitter.com/Y2EehGSffb

It'll be tough for Long to forget such special memories really, the kind only made when two large men are willing to be snapped arm-in-arm in their underpants.

(Then again, who the hell is that creepy bastard behind them??)

Elvis may have left the building

Broncos pass-rusher Elvis Dumervil was always on the team's mind---if you read between vice president of football operation John Elway's words, "I don't want to lose Elvis". But unfortunately the big boss man hit they hay lonesome tonight.

Thank you, thank you very much.

Dumervil has decided to take a pay cut after some rubberneckin', according to the latest news out of Denver, but his newly signed contract didn't hit Bronco HQ until seven minutes after the free agency deadline.

Trouble.

The Broncos can still sign Dumervil, but not without some salary cap fever. And perhaps worse, other teams also have the chance to entice the king of rushing, meaning Denver truly got stung.

This mess of blues needn't have happened if Dumervil's agent, presumably the Colonel, had worked out how to use his fax machine in under 35 minutes. Lawdy Miss Clawdy!

Still, the Broncos can reach the promised land without Dumervil, but would surely rather have the defensive end's 11 sacks or so, not to mention his presence, which is not the type of thing that's measured on the stats sheet. 

There's certainly some suspicion over this whole ordeal, however, and questions about Dumervil's intention to stick with Denver. Young dreams have a way of shifting a situation, don't they? 

Just as well fans have wooden hearts in this age where players believe anyplace is paradise, as long there's money---always enough to prompt two parties to go their separate ways.

Five Better Ways for the Dolphins to Spend Fans' Money

The Miami Dolphins want to spruce up their stadium in an effort to win Super Bowl 50 in two years time.

The problem is they’ll need taxpayer money to cover the bill. That’s nothing new for South Floridians who coughed up millions for the Miami Marlins' ballpark, a year ago.

Upgrades to the Miami Dolphins' Sun Life Stadium are expected to cost about $400 million, and owner Stephen Ross has agreed pay at least $201 million. He's a very generous man, isn't he?

The Dolphins say upgrades will ramp up the arena for major events like Super Bowls, and especially the 50th, which Miami is clearly confident of winning because of its warm weather and superb off-field debauchery. 

The deal would keep the Phins---and presumably Marc Anthony in his shades---in South Florida through to at least 2034.

The plan includes adding about 3,600 new seats close to the field, improved amenities and a canopy roof that would shield fans from Florida's elements, while preserving a grass playing surface. 

While all splendid ideas, $199 million worth of taxpayers' money feels a lofty price tag for a few deck chairs and beach umbrella. Surely Ross could do better at Walmart?

So here are Five Better Ways For The Dolphins To Spend Fans' Money:

1. Miami Vice: Use $17.5 million to launch an FBI-led investigation into the Dolphins classic helmet logo, in which a cartoon dolphin sports a helmet with an "M" on it, instead of a cartoon dolphin.

2. Fishing For No.13: At least offer Dan Marino $55 million to return under center. If he doesn't accept, can they give him $40 million to be the team's quarterback coach?

3. No More Orange Seats: As Miami has one of the worst attendance records in the NFL, a few million to cover the cost of stand-in fans might help. 

4. Boom Boom Pow: Have you ever noticed the Dolphins' star owners are higher on glitz and glamor than football know-how? The better part of $105 million could hook the Fish local heavies like Andy Garcia, The Rock, 2 Live Crew and David Caruso.

5. Soft and Cuddly: Whatever's left should be spent on a Dolphins toy collection for the cute little girl in this Miami Dolphins cheerleaders video. Look, one minute you're quietly jumping around in a pit of plastic balls, the next a pack of scantily-clad Amazonians are crowding your space. Poor little thing.

Kaepernick vs. Flacco: The QB Showdown

There are so many important match-ups in any given Super Bowl, but perhaps none more talked about than 'who has the better quarterback?'

So here it is---Kap versus Flack!

Colin Kaepernick (in a crowd sounds like: "Hold the pumpernickle"), San Francisco 49ers

Age: 25
Height: 6'4
Weight: 230 lbs (65 of which is ink)
Experience: Just eight meaningful games
Arm strength: Dolph Lundgren in Masters of the Universe
Total yards passing: 1,849
Total yards rushing: 413
Best tattoo: Entire 49ers playbook
Facial hair style: Shaggy from Scooby Doo
Signature move: Flexing bicep
Jersey number: #7 (more Vick than Elway)

Joe Flacco (in a crowd sounds like: "No fly zone"), Baltimore Ravens

Age: 26
Height: 6'6
Weight: 245 lbs (5 oz of which are gummy bears in his back pocket)
Experience: 5 years
Arm strength: Sylvester Stallone in Rambo - First Blood Part II
Total yards passing: 17,633
Total yards rushing: 430
Best tattoo: 'I love calzone' in a heart shape
Facial hair style: Sometimes Beckham, other times Yosemite Sam
Signature move: Deer in the headlights look
Jersey number: #5 (should wear No.3 instead, like Lamonica)


Edge: Flacco (Stallone took down Lundgren in Rocky IV after all)

Ravens beguiling as Super Bowl outsiders

Every team playing the San Francisco 49ers is warned about their defense. The potency of a single entity hasn’t received this much hype since Ryan Gosling came onto the scene.

So let’s firstly tip our hat to the likes of defensive end Justin Smith, who with torn triceps is still the glue of a stout Niners line. The front seven will certainly penetrate the Baltimore Ravens’ wall on Super Bowl Sunday. They will race toward the unhurried Baltimore quarterback, Joe Flacco, and try to absorb the human cannonball, Ray Rice. And, if that strategy falls short, then the 49ers linebacker await, like lasers protecting a vault. Nobody but Catherine Zeta-Jones in those black tights could break through. That’s what I hear, anyway.

Contrary to popular belief and reams of stats, both of which tell us the 49ers’ defense ranks among the league’s strongest, San Francisco has its flaws. While its front is bulky and relentless, and its linebackers scarier than NFL veterans squeezed behind pre-game desks, the secondary is vulnerable. Try plough the ball up the middle, as the Atlanta Falcons did during the NFC championship game, and the San Francisco line will arrive faster than the gold diggers of 1849 to California. 

But on the post route---straight upfield and then inside---or on any variation of a deep ball, the team’s secondary can be caught napping. Sure, Dashon Goldson and Terrell Brown make tackles, but the ball moves faster than the player, and few move it beyond defensive backs like Flacco.

The trouble is the Niners corners aren’t brawny, so larger receivers can outmuscle them, even if they correctly read a throw. This means if Flacco can lead his wideouts---especially the speedy Torrey Smith and the soft-handed Anquan Boldin---deep and away from the safeties, I fully expect the Ravens to tear up the Niners back end.

Ultimately, once the smoke clears from the fireworks and Ray Lewis has finished his Fred Astaire impression, I think Baltimore’s defense takes centre stage. Their key men are slower, yes, and greyer, sure, but this is just one game folks. And when you’re playing for your legacy, as Lewis is, not even Jim Harbaugh’s bravado is going to save you.

I know what you’re thinking, especially if you are one of those people who has fallen for Niners quarterback, Colin Kaepernick. He’s tall, lean and illusive, fleet-footed and hard to contain once he swings around the edge. That’s apparently his thing---circumnavigation. But from the pocket, the young quarterback has the same options as every other: a hand-off, a mimicked hand-off and a throw. It’s baffling that most defenses can’t work this out, isn’t it?

Well, most defenses, like that of the Green Bay Packers, or the New Orleans Saints, are average at best. They are not the black and blue Ravens. Everything changes in The Big One, we must remind ourselves. Ray Lewis, in his last hurrah, will hold in the hole (mostly because he’ll be gassed before the first whistle even blows!). Still, in this instance, while creakier and probably crabbier on a Sunday morning than most players, the Ravens will use all that’s left in the tank to snuff out Kaepernick and his high-stepping hoopla. 

Lewis, Terrell Suggs and company will be braced, both where they ache and for all oncoming runners, too. They may forgo some yards to Frank Gore, who is a bulldozer, but as long as the six-pointers are limited it won’t matter. 

Does anyone really have faith in David Akers at this stage anyway? 

Corey Graham and Cary Williams have been the playoffs’ best corners with 50 tackles and assists between them. They’ll make life hard for the Niners receivers. And for all the talk about Patrick Willis, a ferocious defender and intimidating presence, the Ravens linebackers are still the best in the business, almost purely because their reputation precedes them. It’s akin to Sir Anthony Hopkins now in the twilight of his career: at this point he could star in a Hot Tub Time Machine sequel and win an Oscar.

Listen, like you, I caught just a snippet of Lewis’ rantings after the championship game, but wasn’t it enough? 

The Ravens are on a mission to lose nevermore.